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The No Contact Rule After My Affair Did Not Work

Follow these rules to ensure you have a successful ending to your affair.

Do this do that, delete this delete that, block his account here and there. By the time I finished following all of these rules I was exhausted. And still couldn't manage to throw out some reminders from our time together for a couple of years.

Can we be honest following rules will not change the heart? Nor will it take away the desire to be with your affair partner. I have always been that girl when told to do something that I didn't want to by my mom. And I would say back to her "I may be sitting on the outside but I m standing on the inside." It was the same for me when I was told to follow the No Contact Rule. I did it sort of but I really didn't want to. But before I go any further let me explain to you what the No Contact Rule is.

no contact rule

What is the NO Contact Rule

The No-Contact Rule is a great tool to help you rebuild trust in your marriage. Also, the idea of No Contact Rule is to help you break the addiction that has formed during the affair. To help you set up boundaries as you work past withdrawals and the temptation to reunite. And this is a great start to ending an affair successfully but it can't be the only step. We cant follow all of these rules and think we are safe from having a relapse. This is the misconception of the No Contact Rule. I found a great article on the Affair Recovery website.

It is important to know our thoughts have a lot to do with how successful we are. Especially when we are trying to break free from our affair partner. That being said when I started to follow the No Contact rule I found it was not strong enough to restrain me. I would just go unblock him. Take a peek at his life and then block him again. Then I would get instant relief from the pain I was feeling. But soon afterward my desire to see him would come rushing back in with intensity.

That is because Dopamine will reward your system at just the thought of your affair partner or viewing a picture of him. The anticipation of talking to him will cause a rush of excitement. And since Dopamine is our reward system it will motivate us to continue seeking out what we associate with pleasure. This is one reason why the following rules won't change our behavior for a long period of time. Our behavior is heart and chemical driven.

I would get advice on how to stop stalking my ap on social media. But over time I finally began telling my friends to please stop telling me to block him. And once I do then I will be ok. Because the truth is blocking him didn't help me stop wanting him. I finally realized if I don't change my heart then my behavior won't change. Neither will my desires change. And I will be in a constant battle of trying to follow a rule. One that is not powerful to change my heart, thoughts, and actions.

I only slipped once and called him. We had a brief convo that seems to replay in my head like a broken record. Many times I called him and hung up or searched for him on social media. So I think it's safe to say I broke all of the rules. Even though I tried my best to follow them. So after many attempts to do the right thing, I decided the way I would follow the No Contact rule was by not calling and talking to him or seeing him in person again. I reasoned with myself that as long as I didn't talk to him, it was ok. And what harm could look at his picture cause? I did this to keep my marriage together and appease my friend. But the truth was my heart wasn't willing to let him go.

So my heart was the driving force behind my failure to follow the rules completely. And to get the change I wanted and to find a way back to my husband I had to look inside my heart.

All of this may seem new to you or maybe you can relate to my struggle. Either way, I want to share with you three reasons why I believe The No Contact Rule wasn't enough to help me let go of my affair partner.

3 Reasons Why No Contact Rule Didnt Work For Me.

Guard your heart

I had to realize I was fighting a spiritual battle with man-made rules. Don't get me wrong we need boundaries when we end an affair. And the boundary of not contacting our affair partner is a good one. What I am talking about is going deeper into the heart of the matter. In Colossians 2:20 Paul talks about man-made rules. And how they provide no help in conquering a person's ungodly desires. Whenever we are married and fall in love with someone else those desires are ungodly. In that, they bring pain to all involved.

To conquer these desires we need a heart change. That is why the Lord tells us to guard our heart because out of it flows the issues of life. Our heart is where all of our decisions are made. Every time I made a decision to call my affair partner (just to hear his voice) it came from my heart. It was my will, what I wanted to do and no amount of rules was going to hold me back. I missed him and I had a desire to call him and so I did.

The deep parts of my heart still wanted my affair partner. Because he was my escape when my life was hard. He also numbed all of my pain and I didn't want to give that up. I loved how he made me feel. But it didn't take me long to realize that I needed to run to God when my life became overwhelming. I needed to allow the Lord to sit on the throne of my heart. And let his word direct and influence my decisions. Because with Jesus on the throne of your heart there is a sense of peace and contentment. One that your affair partner cant bring you, No one can settle your emotions like Jesus.

2. True Repentance

True repentance means realizing my actions have caused pain and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I had to realize it wasn't about me and who I was losing. It was about who I had left standing with me. And who I was hurting every time I picked up the phone. It was realizing I was being selfish and only thinking about me and my needs regardless of who I hurt. This to me is repentance. Realizing you were headed down a destructive path and have change where you WANTED to go. By realizing this you can change your desire.

3. Who I am

I didn't know who I was nor whose I was. And I had no idea who I wanted to be, all I knew was how empty I was feeling. For a long time, I was good at playing church. And pretending to be happy at home while my private life reflected a different person. My day was made up of thinking about my affair partner. And using him as an escape when life became hard. There comes a time when we have to stop chasing a feeling. And start making decisions based on who we want to be. God didn't call us to be driven by every desire we have but by who he says we are. For example, if you are a teacher you are going to dress like a teacher and talk like one.

You are not going to go into your classroom and sit in one of your student's desks. You are going to go sit at your desk. It's the same way with who we are in Christ. We are accepted we don't have to search for acceptance. We are chosen and pursued we don't have to go out looking for someone to show us attention. Jesus is the lover of our souls and he will break down a wall just to find us for us. When you know who you are you start to act like it.

I also wanted to live an authentic life I was tired of living the pretend Christian life. I wanted to be on the inside who I said I was on the outside. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. And by me calling and hanging up on my affair partner when my husband went to work was definitely not integrity.

In conclusion

no contact rule

Behavior change through human effort =failure

Heart change through love, compassion, kindness and forgiveness =behavior change

If we can change our focus and get it off of us and put it on our families and God we will begin to see our behavior change. Loving others as we love ourselves will help bring about the change we need. We will never taste true success in recovery if we just follow the rules. We have to dig deep within our hearts and find out what the driving desire is. Ask God to reveal the root cause of why we can't let go of our affair partner. By surrendering our desires to God we are telling him that we can't do this on our own. And the Lord will come in and give us the desire to do his will.

Until we attack the desire we won't see and experience the freedom we are searching for.

If you are ready for true lasting freedom and learn how to break free from your affair partner without having a bunch of rules thrown your way. Then sign up for my 4-week course on How To Let Go Of Your Affair partner And Prevent Relapse. Click here to learn more about the course and get your name on the waitlist.


If you're struggling to end your affair and you feel frustrated, confused, torn, or alone, I'm here to help. Book a 30-minute consultation with me and I'll provide you with the clarity you need to move forward. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

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