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A Unique Kind Of Grief / Grieving The Affair Partner

Infidelity recovery

A Unique Kind of Grief

How to move past the grief of losing your affair partner


The goodbye was final

but you are still here.

My best friend, my soul mate,

there is no place I can go to mourn your loss

no funeral, no resting place.

Yet the door is closed

and I'm left alone.

No one to comfort me

no one understands.

You are so far away

yet so close.


Oh, how I rode the waves of soul-crushing grief after my affair ended. To grieve the loss of a person who is still alive is a very unique kind of pain. When a loved one dies it is final and we mourn in a traditional way, but the ending of an affair one cannot mourn in the traditional way. There is no comfort from family and friends. Just stares of judgment.  It's a painful time that I remember very well of being utterly alone. I had to grieve in silent which was one of the hardest things I have ever walked through.

Losing your affair partner can be heart-wrenching because you know he is out there living his life without the woman he said he could never live without. The grief is hard to share with others because of the shame and guilt that is attached to it. I know I hurt so many people and changed lives so I don't claim to be the victim. But that does not minimize the pain I felt either.

I want you to know I understand what you are going through. I know what it's like to feel that ache in the pit of your stomach because you know it's over and he is gone. But you are not alone and you don't have to go through this alone. I want to share with you some of the ways that helped me get through his difficult time.


Ways to move forward

  1. Feel the pain- please hear me on this one, you will not be able to move forward if you don't allow yourself to feel the pain of the loss. I know you have guilt but that stuffing your emotions will not help your guilt or help your heart accept that it's over. Emotions can be good, they help us know what is going on inside, but it's up to us to process through them. Some days I would cry like a baby and go to bed early.  I would also journal all of my feelings. This worked a lot because since I didn't have anyone to talk to, writing them on paper helped to get them out of my head, and then I turned those emotions into prayers the Lord.
  2. Don't idolize your affair partner- If you focus on the good qualities about your affair partner the pain of losing him will increase. But if you are honest with yourself there are some red flags he sent up about himself that will cause you to see him as an imperfect person capable of hurting the ones he loves. ( He made a vow to love his wife at one time now he is hurting her)
  3. Be honest with yourself about the relationship- It's not the best, because you have to share him with someone who will always come first. I had to remind myself that I really don't know whats it's like to live with him. I only see the good parts of him. We are not really doing life together. And from what it looks like he doesn't do a good job of handling hard times and neither do I. So do I want to give up everything I have. And take a chance on two broken people having a better life than the one I have now?
  4. Don't isolate yourself- Dont gives depression a chance to bring you down even further. Get around friends, find a hobby. Make yourself call that friend who keeps trying to reach you. You are still alive even though it feels like the world has ended.

In conclusion

I'm not saying you won't miss your affair partner at times because you will but the important thing is to remember to allow yourself to go through the process. I have a post on soul ties that helps to explain how we connect to a person and how to break free, just click here.

A verse I used was the one in Matthew 5:4 God comforts those who mourn. I knew if I couldn't talk about how I was feeling to any person I could talk to God and he would comfort me.

One last thing, over time our mind will forget the bad. And the memory will become like a fairytale, but in reality no one like sneaking around. And no one really likes to share, especially their man.

If you're struggling to end your affair and you feel frustrated, confused, torn, or alone, I'm here to help. Book a 30-minute consultation with me and I'll provide you with the clarity you need to move forward. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

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