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3 Ways An Affair Starts In Your Thoughts

3 Ways An Affair Starts In Your Thoughts

The Unfaithful Wife

Part 1: 3 ways an affair starts in your thoughts

 Is it possible for an affair to start in your mind?

Yes, affairs start in our thoughts. Give me a few minutes of your time and I will show you how. There is a cognitive concept that has been around for a long time and its called the, Think- Act-Feel cycle. This concept discusses how our thoughts control our feelings and our feelings control our behaviors. I will also be sharing with you Brooke Castillo, from the Life Coach schools model to this concept. She has added some additional steps which I think helps to give us a clearer picture of just how this concept works.

Its the Roadmap that shows us how our behaviors can be traced back to our thoughts. 

  1. Circumstance
  2. Thoughts
  3. Feelings
  4. Actions
  5. Results

My dear friends, I know some of you are still struggling and I know your pain. But when I started to use this tool that is when I began to see my healing start to take place.  Our thoughts are very powerful but we have to learn how to control them not the other way around by having them control us.

In this post, I will be skipping step one but we will get to that in another post. But for now, I want to show you how your affair began in your thoughts.  Many times I asked myself how did I end up having an affair? What was I thinking? Which is a great question to ask yourself, what were you thinking about? So let's break down a little further into just how the affair process starts

  1. First glance/eye contact
  2. Imagination
  3. Mediation

It Starts with a glance/eye contact

It's that moment when you find yourself taken back by this charming man standing in front of you. You suddenly notice him, your eyes have suddenly been open to something you haven't noticed about him before. And now you are being swept up in attraction. It's at that moment when you can decide to tell yourself he is attractive but I will walk the other way. It's the time when you should acknowledge what thoughts about this man are entering into your mind and tell yourself what you should do with those thoughts, don't let those thoughts tell you what you should do.

It takes 4 seconds of eye contact to start Dopamine flowing in your system.  Don't fall for this trap look away from him take control of your mind, even if it feels good to stir up a connection with someone.


The Bible tells us to guard our hearts because it determines the course of life. Proverbs 4:23

Your eyes and your ears are the gateways to your mind and your mind is the filter to your heart. I love the saying whoever sits on the throne of your heart will rule your life.  Imagination can be a very dangerous thing. I remember I would have fantasies about what it would be like if he knew I liked him or if we went out on a date. Those fantasies started out small but increased over time. I would play out all of these different scenarios in my mind, created situations that could potentially play out. 

If we are allowing ourselves to fantasize about what it would be like to be with this guy we are pouring lustful thoughts into our hearts( a possible lonely heart) and our hearts are storing up these images. Those fantasies are actually feeding the hunger that our hearts have been craving. And we all know how we can get when we are hungry we will eat just about anything. By doing this you have actually desensitized yourself. Meaning you are making it easier for you to cross the line, should the opportunity present itself.

By the time my affair partner told me he was interested in me I was already having an affair with him in my mind I was just waiting for it to happen in real life. Let me give you an example of what this process might look like.

Let's say one day you are having lunch with some people from work and one of your colleagues sits with you and you began to notice how attractive he is. And how interested in you he seems to be. He listens to every word you say and responds with compassion and concern. He even shares his heart with you. You leave the lunch with a sense of feeling desirable and liked. Once you get home you look for the same reaction from your husband but you are met with his face scrolling on Facebook.

Suddenly you feel rejected and lonely, so to comfort yourself and ease the pain of rejection you allow your mind to flooded with how your colleague made you feel. Those thoughts soothe your soul.

Its a short walk from your mind to your hands


Its the over and over thought process that stirs up the heart to take action. So when the opportunity presents itself your heart says I've been prepared for this and I know it will bring me pleasure. Jesus told us if we look with lust we have already committed adultery. He wasn't saying that to condemn us he was saying hey I know that if you think about having sex with someone long enough you will eventually do it, so be careful about what thoughts you allow to enter into your heart.

This is what I was doing that lead me to say yes to the affair.

If you find yourself wondering the same question of how could I have an affair or will I do this again, consider your thoughts. Stop and ask yourself what are you thinking about?

Go back in time and try to remember what you were thinking about right before the affair. See if you can find those thoughts that might have lead up to the affair, or any fantasies you might have been dwelling on too long.

Some questions to consider:

How were you feeling?

  1. Did you have a need to feel special?
  2. Were you feeling rejected?
  3. Were you feeling misunderstood?

How long did it take you to give into the affair?

  1. Was it quickly?
  2. Was it over a long period of time
  3. How much time did you spend fantasizing about your potential affair partner?

Guard your Mind

When you have a thought pop in your head about your affair partner, then stop the thought immediately. Say your husband's name out loud or a phrase. This will stop the thought process and give you a chance to refocus your thoughts. This is where I learned the true meaning of renewing your mind and the power to take control of our thoughts.

One of the lies I told myself over and over again was "I would always love him and I can't live without him". The more I told myself this the more I believed it and felt it. It's kind of like a fire. My affair partner and I built this great big fire and we would feed it with the time we spent together. Well, when it was over the fire could have died out like most fires do if they are not tended to. But every time I would go back to memories of us I just kept putting another log on the fire. Don't feed your desires with your thoughts, let them dies out.

I did get over him, I'm 8 years past dday and I don't think about him anymore and haven't in a long time. I am now living without the person I thought I couldn't live without. My marriage is restored and I'm finally happy again. And so can you.

Learning to pay attention to what we are thinking and taking control of those thoughts are the first important steps to recovery. But not only that they can prevent you from even giving in to the temptation to have an affair.

I have since created tools to help other women resist the temptation to have an affair and help women gain their power back over their thoughts. I will be sharing these tools and many others in an upcoming course.

What are your thoughts about what I have shared, can you relate to my story of how my thoughts led to my affair? Please feel free to leave an anonymous comment below.

If you need to learn how to forgive yourself click here  

If you're struggling to end your affair and you feel frustrated, confused, torn, or alone, I'm here to help. Book a 30-minute consultation with me and I'll provide you with the clarity you need to move forward. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

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