3 Lies That Lead To Infidelity

The three lies I believe that lead me to have an affair

I believe three ways we are lead into having an affair are the lies we believe about what we will benefit from having from infidelity. Our potential affair partner comes along at a dark time in our lives and paints a picture of a beautiful sunrise. And if you are feeling lonely in your marriage, then this is a relief from the pain and rejection you may have been experiencing for a long time.

But the problem is not in the sunrise, the problem is what eventually follows a sunrise, which is a sunset. What I mean by this is just seasons change in our natural world so will time change in our marriage.

It will never be just sunrises nor will it be just dark times, and that is the cycle of every relationship you are in. Scripture tells us that there is a season for everything, a time to laugh, a time to cry. (Ecclesiastes 3:4). You may be in a season of darkness in your marriage right now. And an affair might appear to be the sunrise you long for, but I want you to ask yourself a question.

Am I willing to trade the life my and husband and I have built for a moment in the sun?

I was in this state of mind where I believed our marriage was over and If I stay I was going to have to live in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. And I realize now that I was just setting myself up to fall in love with the guy who would give me his attention. If you are interested I have a post discussing how I fell out of love with my husband. You can read that here.

Now that I am eight years past discovery day and looking back I can see the lies I believed about how having an affair would benefit me. So I want to share those lies with you in hopes they provide you with some help in case you find yourself in the same position I was in.

3 Lies That Lead to Infidelity

Lie 1: He will treat me better than my husband treats me

Now don't be surprised when I say yes he will, but its still a lie and this is why.

No two people are the same. We all have different likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. What fun would it be if we all had the same personality, right? Your affair partners personality may be different than your husbands. So your affair partner seems like the breathe of fresh air you desire, but don't be fooled by this. Your affair partners weakness are different as well. Such as his affair with you.

Being willing to have an affair displays his lack of integrity and loyalty. It also displays his struggle with running from his problems.

It is important to be mindful of what is underneath his charm and smooth words. Not everything that glitters is gold.

Your affair partner has a goal and that is to outshine your husband. He has to turn up the charm 100%. And if you are like I was then that is your goal as well. I wanted to show him I could provide for him better than his wife could.

He can afford to be everything you want because he doesn't have to keep up the charm for a long stretch of time. After all, you don't have to live with him. He can tell you that the two of you are soul mates just meeting at the wrong time, or he wished he met you first. But words are cheap and he can spend them because he doesn't have to commit to a future with you.

Get you into bed motive

Most people will tell you that men are being charming just to get you into bed. And while it made true for some I believe that there is more to it when it comes to having an affair. Your affair partner could be feeling lonely or starved for sex. It could be he is looking for compainohsip that his wife is not giving him. So when you come along you fill his needs.

So in an attempt to keep you filling his needs, he turns up the charm. And he pays close attention to the things you say about your husband. He does this so he can learn what will keep you in his life but not as his wife. A sure give away of his true intentions is when you push him for more time or a commitment. And then he becomes angry because it has to be on his terms.

The truth of him treating you better than your husband is one that is woven together with lies. Don't be fooled by this deception. The ways in which he is different than your husband may leave you with regret. And saying" I can't believe I left my husband for this". Satan did the same thing to Eve when he tempted her. He spoke some truth about what God had said, then took that truth and mixed lies in it.  Satan knew she would make her give in to the temptation, and in the end, she did.

Lie 2: He will be my escape from this terrible marriage

We could escape our current marriage. But the problem with that is we can't escape ourselves. And how we respond to problems when they come our way.

In every relationship, we will face problems at some point. That is why we need to work on how we handle things when times get tough. I use to be a runner. It was so difficult to face the hard stuff. I felt like the marriage, loneliness, and rejection was too much for me to handle. And I felt helpless and even though I was a Christian I didn't believe things would get better. I grew tired of praying and nothing changing,

This way of looking at my problems caused me to want to run from them. Now im not talking about small arguments. Im talking about unresolved issues, the topics that we just couldn't see eye to eye on. But what I didn't see was that marriage takes compromise. And sometimes I was going to have to be the one compromising.

I had to come to a place where I allowed God to do a work in me. Because I don't want to run from hard times my whole life. If I would continue to respond that way then I would never be able to have a lasting relationship with anyone even my affair partner. Because the truth is he is not perfect and he would do things to upset me. And how would I respond to him when the excitement faded. And the mask came down and I was faced with the reality of life all over again?

If we stayed together and got married we would eventually be faced with the reality of life. Which could be blended families. Having to deal with each other's children and our ex-spouse. And I lived through that and it's not fun. Actually I wouldn't let my husband properly parent my son. So that lead to many arguments and resentment on his part as well.

I believe we don't realize when we have an affair we are trying to escape hard times. But we are actually running into hell.

If you struggle with responding negatively to hard times I recommend a book by Havilah Cunnington. Its called I do hard things. This is an awesome book that helps you learn how to go through hard times.

Lie 3: He will fulfill all my needs 24/7

We were not created to have a person fulfill our needs 100% of the time. God created us with an emptiness that only he can fill. In John 4:13-14, Jesus told the woman at the well that whoever drinks of the well water will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks of the water Jesus had to offer will never thirst again. What he was saying was if you depend on people to make you happy and content, you will always come up short and wanting more. But if you depend on Jesus to provide for your needs, you will learn how to live content and at peace with others. You will also learn how to stop searching outside of yourself to find fulfillment. And you will start to find that joy from within.

People will fail us, and we will fail people. They can't be what we need them to be all the time; it's not their place.

Learning this is important because emotions can change as quickly as the wind. We can be happy one minute and sad the next. Please understand this if your affair partner is providing for you now it is only temporary. As he is human just like your husband. And he is bound to fail at some point in the relationship. The same way your husband may be failing you right now.

In Conclusion

So let's recap what we learned.

• My affair partner will appear to treat me better than my husband in the beginning. But his charm has a hidden agenda and a selfish motive.
• My affair partner will be my escape from my marriage. The truth is when we run from one problem, and we are usually running into even worse problems.
• My affair partner will provide all of my needs. Truth bomb no one person can make us happy 100% of the time. True fulfillment is found in a relationship with Jesus. Because he is the only one who never changes and who desperately wants to pour out his love on us.

If you find yourself falling for these lies remember you can choose to walk away at any time. Don't allow these lies to trap you and steal from you any longer.

Also, Im here for you if you need to talk. Just shoot me an email and we can chat and hopefully help you regain control of your life again.

Until next time,